I really wanted to keep this blog in order. I just can't do it right now. I wanted to walk you through start to finish; I will pick up where I left off eventually. As of today, I have not been with my ex for almost 4 months now. I had walked away. Started therapy. Started healing myself. Looking at how I ended up where I did with him and that relationship.
It's been a long, tough journey. Lots of tears. Lots of pain. Lots of questions unanswered. Lots of time to reflect and think about how, where I went wrong. One of the first things I learned was he was emotionally unavailable. I stumbled across another blog that was amazing and eye opening to say the least. It was what I really needed to start to open my eyes. Her blog is therapy beyond my personal therapy. Her site is located at:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/getting-your-wake-up-call-relationship-epiphanies/
Beyond that, I learned about Betrayal Bond. It was exactly what I had experienced with my ex. The lies, the other women, the hurt, betrayal, it's a "bonding experience". Not the good bonding like when you have a child. It's a painful bond that keeps you hooked.
Even though we have not been a "couple" for many months, I am still connected to him emotionally. I have not seen him at all. Yet, I have kept communication open from time to time. Tonight, while I was chatting with him, I asked him a direct question, which naturally, he kept trying to stall to answer directly. It was amazing. It was my final nail in the coffin. I can no longer do this to myself. I know I was wanting him to "change"..but that will never happen. He can't change. And if he does, it wont be enough of a change for me.
I have no doubt, he will continue on doing exactly as he always was with me. He may become more aware of his traits (since he is in therapy now), but he will NEVER change to a good man, an honest man, a real man capable of loving a woman in a healthy way. Why I ever kept leaving that door slightly open is beyond me.
I made the mistake of asking him how many women he had been with since we first met. He tried to tell me that the only one was the one that broke us up in the first couple months of dating. Other than that, it was only his "friend" of 7 months behind my back. I directly asked him who he went to visit in CA while we were back together...As you will see,not much has changed in regards to his honesty. Anyone who is familiar with how N/P's communicate while trying to stall, re-direct a conversation, it is clear in this one. Here it is: (he is HK, I am K).
[11/21/2010 11:03:23 PM] k: WIth the past history, I don't see how I could ever "really" trust you. God, I feel like even now, while we are not together, that I don't trust you..not a good feeling. Then again, who am I to even question you at all?..no one. I try to connect the fact of you and Cathy in CT...after her hurtful crap, lies, crazy crap..I washed my hands of her. I will NEVER speak to her again. And we were friends for 30 years. I thought I knew her..I thought we were friends. It hurt to walk away and it hurt to not have her to speak to from time to time...but I knew that she was toxic for me. I knew that her playing her games (once I realized what they were) I didn't want to be a part of. I walked away. Why can't I do the same with you? I should, you hurt me more than she did, much deeper, more often, yet I can't let go all the way...yet I don't trust you. It makes no sense, well it does in clinical terms and situations, but to me it makes no sense.
[11/21/2010 11:05:47 PM] k: by the way, you should take your Melatonin very soon!
[11/21/2010 11:07:23 PM] hk: Clinically I can't respond. However my opinion is that there is real love here, something deeper than either of us have ever realized before or will again. Like many people, I have problems and those problems deeply affected you. The good news is that at least I have felt the hurt I have caused and sincerely want to and have begun to do something about those problems and I think you know that too.
[11/21/2010 11:07:46 PM] hk BTW, you need to switch the laundry in 8 minutes
[11/21/2010 11:08:11 PM] k: thanks
[11/21/2010 11:08:20 PM] hk: I will take the meltonin when you switch the laundry
[11/21/2010 11:11:05 PM] k: the deeper "bond"...is from the trama in the beginning. I attached to you in a way I never did to anyone else..because of the hurt and the pain, and then you coming back proclaiming your love, the love you always wondered about but you finally realized you found it. Or so you told me. I think a lot of the other issues is its all words...there is no action. Just like the other night you said something about us being married already "if we lived in the same zip code"..well, we never did and we don't..so I guess we wont ever find out. But between the women, being dishonest, and the distance...we will never know.
[11/21/2010 11:11:52 PM] hk: there was a bond before anything like that came about
[11/21/2010 11:12:39 PM] hk the distance and any future dishonesty can change, the history, can't change
[11/21/2010 11:12:41 PM] ki: not from you to me..you were still on the sites, chatting, meeting, fucking...c'mon..there was no bond..I was one of MANY-you want to start being honest..do it!
[11/21/2010 11:13:36 PM] hkershner: There were not many, but I did make mistakes I have admitted to
[11/21/2010 11:14:18 PM] k: I heard you left the boards (that was months after you started seeing me)..because of the all the women who accused you of "cheating"...I know..I talked to people on the boards
[11/21/2010 11:15:01 PM] hk: Back then I dated yes.
[11/21/2010 11:15:42 PM] k: dated?...women accusing you of "cheating" is different then dating..it means you probably told them all the same lines you told me.." I can only focus on one person at a time"
[11/21/2010 11:16:19 PM] hk: I know you won't believe me but no I didn't say that
[11/21/2010 11:16:27 PM] k: well you said SOMETHING!
[11/21/2010 11:16:31 PM] k: c'mon..stop already
[11/21/2010 11:16:34 PM] k: be honest
[11/21/2010 11:16:38 PM] k: what does it matter now?
[11/21/2010 11:16:55 PM] k: you said that to ME!
[11/21/2010 11:16:59 PM] k: but that wasn't the case
[11/21/2010 11:17:18 PM] hk: I am being honest. It doesn't matter now. But I am still being honest.
[11/21/2010 11:17:46 PM] k: I need to know something, how many had you slept with once you were with me and in between??
[11/21/2010 11:18:12 PM] hk: Back then I was dating yes, never committed to anyone
[11/21/2010 11:18:23 PM] hk: in between?
[11/21/2010 11:18:55 PM] k: first, you were not "committed to anyone" yet you led me to believe you were to me...after our first meeting?
[11/21/2010 11:19:17 PM] k: yes, how many others were there from my first meeting you and until the end...
[11/21/2010 11:19:48 PM] hk: I had been with holly physically but you knew that
[11/21/2010 11:19:56 PM] k: there were others
[11/21/2010 11:20:02 PM] hk: who?
[11/21/2010 11:20:17 PM] hk: Ellen I spent time with, yes
[11/21/2010 11:20:20 PM] k: if you can't be honest with me NOW,,,I am going to walk away
[11/21/2010 11:20:26 PM] k:: Howard, there were others!
[11/21/2010 11:20:33 PM] hk: fucking who?
[11/21/2010 11:20:50 PM] k: I'm not the one with that answer..YOU ARE...answer the fucking question
[11/21/2010 11:21:33 PM] k: I don't want names, I just want to know how many?
[11/21/2010 11:21:33 PM] hk: I can't think of anyone, and that is the truth.
[11/21/2010 11:21:40 PM] k: oh for god sakes
[11/21/2010 11:21:55 PM] hk: don't forget to change the laundry
[11/21/2010 11:22:20 PM] k: that can wait..I am not changing the subject or leaving until you answer me--honestly for christ sake
[11/21/2010 11:22:37 PM] hk: I didn't intend to change the subject
[11/21/2010 11:22:45 PM] k: good then answer it please
[11/21/2010 11:23:22 PM] hk: I did, I can not think of anyone I was with after you and I got together
[11/21/2010 11:23:39 PM] k: it wasn't only Holley
[11/21/2010 11:25:32 PM] hk: trying to remeber the timeline here, but after holly and when we got together again, there was time with ellen and before that there wasn't anyone
[11/21/2010 11:25:59 PM] k: who was the "friend" you went to see in CA when you and Bailey got into the accident?
[11/21/2010 11:26:41 PM] k: WOW, long pause
[11/21/2010 11:26:57 PM] hk: trying to remember
[11/21/2010 11:27:11 PM] k: give me a break..stalling to make up someone?
[11/21/2010 11:27:44 PM] hk: it'll come to me
[11/21/2010 11:27:49 PM] k: or trying to remember what you told me?
[11/21/2010 11:27:53 PM] k: c'mon..who was it?
[11/21/2010 11:28:11 PM] k: that should be VERY clear on such a tramatic trip to the airport--that you stil mae
[11/21/2010 11:28:12 PM] k: made
[11/21/2010 11:28:48 PM] hk: I remember the motorcycle trip
[11/21/2010 11:28:57 PM] ki: which was with who?
[11/21/2010 11:31:24 PM] hkershner: I stayed a couple of days with a woman named nancy
[11/21/2010 11:31:45 PM] k: nancy who, from where,,,you told me your friend...
[11/21/2010 11:31:55 PM] k: lots of typing for such a small response
[11/21/2010 11:31:59 PM] hk: mike sager
[11/21/2010 11:32:07 PM] hk: wow that took a while
[11/21/2010 11:32:25 PM] k: nancy, mike??? which one?
[11/21/2010 11:32:40 PM] hk: both actually
[11/21/2010 11:32:41 PM] k: took you a long time to answer and come up with what should have been a pretty easy answer
[11/21/2010 11:32:44 PM] k: bull shit
[11/21/2010 11:32:48 PM] k: you stayed with Nancy
[11/21/2010 11:32:50 PM] k: yes?
[11/21/2010 11:33:01 PM] hk: I couldn't remember the names
[11/21/2010 11:33:17 PM] k: why not, she was your friend, right?
[11/21/2010 11:33:23 PM] k: Nacy from where? Jdate?
[11/21/2010 11:33:38 PM] hk: it was a while ago
[11/21/2010 11:33:50 PM] k: so what's that got to do with the answer?
[11/21/2010 11:34:09 PM] hk: I didn't recall at first
[11/21/2010 11:34:14 PM] k: and now?
[11/21/2010 11:34:34 PM] k: hello??
[11/21/2010 11:34:37 PM] hk: here
[11/21/2010 11:34:39 PM] k: answer?
[11/21/2010 11:34:55 PM] hk: Which question do you want me to answer
[11/21/2010 11:35:02 PM] k: where did you meet Nancy?
[11/21/2010 11:35:19 PM] hk: jdate
[11/21/2010 11:36:04 PM] k: yes, we were together then..in case you forgot..you called me from there, just like when you were with Ellen...see Howard, there were others..and even now you can't be fucking honest with me. I just realize something....
[11/21/2010 11:36:05 PM] hk: I believe you were with scott in pa then
[11/21/2010 11:36:12 PM] k: NOOOOO I was not!!
[11/21/2010 11:36:18 PM] k: you had "won me back"
[11/21/2010 11:37:11 PM] hk: no, I do remember calling from the airport and j mentioned you were occupied with your new boyfriend
[11/21/2010 11:37:18 PM] hk: he was visiting that week
[11/21/2010 11:37:31 PM] k: what I just realized..you still can't be honest...you stalled, tried to re-direct the conversation..played like you didn't remember..you are TOXIC to me...I can not and will not continue on like this with you...its pointless...you have not changed..you will always be like this. I tried, god knows I tried..
[11/21/2010 11:37:56 PM] hk: I'm being honest with you damn it
[11/21/2010 11:38:22 PM] k: WRONG!! YOu called ME from the airport..I remember .. you also called me from the "HOTEL"...so you told me..NOT Nancies..you told me about your ride,,how cool it was..WTF..you can think what you want..but you were WITH ME then...
[11/21/2010 11:38:32 PM] hk: I didn't redirect anything, I am recalling bits and pieces of events of almost 3 years ago
[11/21/2010 11:38:45 PM] k: fuck you! It was way past Holley!!
[11/21/2010 11:38:57 PM] k: So there is number two fuck while you were with me..and there are more...
[11/21/2010 11:39:03 PM] k: JESUS CHRIST!!!
[11/21/2010 11:39:58 PM] hk: I can not believe how this has spiraled
[11/21/2010 11:40:26 PM] k: of course not, because I asked you to be honest..I brought up a trip you took to see your friend while we were together!
[11/21/2010 11:40:36 PM] k: you couldn't remember..give me a break!!!
[11/21/2010 11:41:12 PM] hk: I could not recall names but I did eventually
[11/21/2010 11:41:15 PM] k: so it must have been Nancy who was ONE of the women on the boards, while we were together, that accused you of cheating...
[11/21/2010 11:41:26 PM] k: oh, so she was just a face, body, fuck for 5 days?!?!?
[11/21/2010 11:41:59 PM] hk: I stayed at her place for a couple of days, yes.
[11/21/2010 11:42:06 PM] k: ...while you were back with me...great!
[11/21/2010 11:42:19 PM] hk: no, while you were with scott
[11/21/2010 11:42:39 PM] k: YOU ARE DEAD WRONG...we were together..I was not with Scott then
[11/21/2010 11:43:05 PM] k: You got me back in Nov...this was MONTHS later that you went to CA
[11/21/2010 11:43:27 PM] hk: no I was there over the summer
[11/21/2010 11:43:29 PM] k: I have I/M's from when we got back together...
[11/21/2010 11:43:46 PM] k: exactly!! We were back together..it was the flollowing summer you went to CA..OMG
[11/21/2010 11:44:12 PM] hk: I will have to look up the year, I don't remember
[11/21/2010 11:44:22 PM] k: I do! We were together..not apart...
[11/21/2010 11:44:50 PM] hk: I don't remember but I can find out
[11/21/2010 11:44:58 PM] k: doesn't matter, I know!
[11/21/2010 11:45:04 PM] hk: ok
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